What I found out in the jobless corner, Kenyans ready to “help out”.

There are many things that you can trust a Kenyan to do. They are spontaneous, so you can’t’ plan or else you will be disappointed. Don’t expect too much because you may receive something short of your expectations. But, you can be sure to trust a Kenyan for quite a number of things. For a Kenyan is never underestimated.

Truth be told, we are among the most opportunistic fellows in the world. With the capability to turn events and things round, to create a situation that we want. So among the things that you can trust a Kenyan to do, here are some few:

Trust a jobless Kenyan man to help you find a job

This happened to me once when I was running low on cash. Therefore, I needed a job. So had to do the necessary. Go to town and pick up any jobs available. Last month, I had problems with my landlady that taught me a lesson for the rest of my stay. Always have enough cash to pay your rent. Timely. Thanks to the giver of all cause I already paid this month’s. Time to hustle for next month’s rent. The earlier I get it, the better for me because jobs are scarce.

So I arrive at this public garden and walk towards a shade next to a fine dressed gentleman who stands up and offers me his sitting place. How chivalrous! I gladly take it and we begin to converse over general issues, you know Kenyan politics will always add flavor to your awkward conversation.

I don’t know how it happened till I told him that Am a professional jobseeker. He told me he had none either, but can help a mrembo like me get one.

“Ati nini? Mrebo kaa wewe umekosa kazi? Aaai washa mshezo sababu mimi najua vile tutatafutia wewe kazi.” The lad offered.

‘”Lakini pia wewe umeniambia kazi huna, utanisaidiaje nipate?

“ Ati kukusaidia? Aaah hapana mrebo, mimi atapatia wewe kasi. So anza kujiprepare psychologically ati by jioni, utaenda kurara kama uko na kibarua.” He assured.

“Ata ninaeza kutafutia kazi majuu mrebo sababu najua hujai panda ndege, lakini neza kutengenezea laini uende emilates uko Arabia (meaning Saudi Arabia)” he added.

And man, I believed him.

He then told me about this agency run by his friend that helps ladies get jobs instantly. But first, you register with him.

“Lazima kwanza unaregester na mimi kwa shiringi elfu tatu pekee na mrebo kama wewe hakai kukosa hio pesa. Unaweza anza regestration alafu ulipe extra 1500/-ndo uharakishiwe maneno. Unajua kuna wengi wanatafuta kazi so ukitaka ya haraka, uneza niongezea kalunch ka soo tano ndo nikufanyie chapchap.” He said convincingly, but I could not give to the damn lie.

Can he really get me a job if he can’t get himself one? Its only a scam, to get me give him my hard earned savings!!! For no jobless fellow can offer to give you a job instead of grabbing the chance himself.

Trust a Kenyan religious fellow to give remedy to your problems

Trust a Kenyan religious fellow to give remedy to your problems especially when he can’t solve his. This happened after I left the kibarua guy when I bumped into this very religious fellow.

“Mrebo, Mungu ameniambia unatafuta kazi. Si unatafuta kazi ama ni urongo!” he cheerfully opened up to me.

Kwani can you spot a jobseeker by just looking at one?

“Asante lakini, mimi sitafuti kazi” I replied

“Mrembo unadanganya mtumishi wa Mungu, utalaaniwa. Sasa ukifika kwa nyumba uombe msamaha lakini mimi nitakuambia kile kinafanya ukose kazi. “He went on,

“Kuna Yule jirani yako mwenye anakuangaliaga vibaya. Eeeh, Yule mama anakuoneaga wivu sababu unachekaga na bwanayake ndo amekufunga. Sasa, jioni nunulia yeye sukari umpelekee dada, alafu umwambie hutapikia bwana yake chakula tena. Sababu umemfanya akafikiri wewe ni co- wife.”

At that, the infamous prophet was done. And asked for some ‘sadaka’ for prophesying for me some truth.

“Siwezi kupatia pesa yangu hata shilingi sababu wewe ni nabii mwongo.” I replied.

Indeed everything he had prophesied was false except the jobless part because I cook for no woman’s husband.

“Si unaitwa mary, unaishi uko section 58.uko na wataoto wawili na bwana alikuacha akaenda kwa nyumba ya mwanamke mwingine?” he went on

I felt so humiliated because am nowhere near marriage and my name is not Mary. I don’t even have a boyfriend!

“HAPANA!” was all I managed to say. Never think that a woman is older than she looks. It’s an offense. An unforgivable one.

“Ooh pole mrebo. Niriconfince (confuse) na Yule wa jana. Si unipe jina ndo niprophecy?” these guys don’t give up. Do they?

“Nilikwambia nahitaji unabii wako? Hapana. Toka karibu na mimi. Lakini asante kwa kuwa gentleman na kuniinukia.”

With that he walked away. Too bad that he earned nothing today. Its how he earns a living.

 

Trust a Kenyan “mganga”to know what people want and advertise his services

And trust me you, they know what their customers need. So they do advertisements all over town. Surprisingly, they all they all seem to have originated from some few selected parts of the world. Because I often see posts like, “ mganga kutoka Kitui, Malindi and Tanzania”

And they are good in business since they have the know-how.

  1. They know what your customer wants.
  2. They advertise.
  3. They deliver.(I secretly hope they do)

They have good language that can lue customers to them for they offer remedy. Like, they give solutions to things like: kupata kazi, kukinga boma, kufunga macho mbaya, kukomesha fitina, kukuza biashara, kushinda sport pesa and many others.

My day had been eventful and seeing this post, well made my day and as I walked home, I hoped that I would come back tomorrow, to find myself a job. Not to talk to Kenyans.

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